Living with an alcoholic is like living with two different people: the person who loves you and the one who destroys you. Living with someone struggling with alcoholism is an exhausting, confusing, and harrowing daily experience.
Medically Reviewed:
Dr. Randy Gelow, MD, FASAM
Ray Hamilton, DNP, PMHNP-BC, FNP-C
Last Updated: July 12, 2025
Living with an alcoholic is like living with two different people: the person who loves you and the one who destroys you. Living with someone struggling with alcoholism is an exhausting, confusing, and harrowing daily experience.
Living with an alcoholic isn’t just hard, it’s a constant emotional balancing act. Each day can feel like walking a tightrope. One moment might be calm, even hopeful, and the next could lead to chaos, anger, or deep sadness.
What is it like living with an alcoholic spouse?
One day, your alcoholic partner is affectionate and sorry for his actions. The next day, he is angry, withdrawn, or unreachable.
Your alcoholic spouse often makes promises and breaks them, sometimes within hours. The chaos isn’t always dramatic. It can be subtle, but it is draining.
You are conscious of everything you say, even the tone of your voice. Even the clinking of a bottle in the trash can trigger anger from the alcoholic.
When living with an alcoholic, you can accurately predict when he will explode or keep silent. You adapt your behavior, not out of love, but out of fear. You fear a trigger could cause an argument or a binge.
You sometimes remember why you love your partner so much. A wave of lies, drunken outbursts, or reckless behavior crushes your heart.
You can often experience a range of emotions, including love, guilt, anger, disappointment, and hope on the same day. Trauma, and not just emotional whiplash, hits you.
You always make excuses and stop inviting people over to your place. You tend to avoid social gatherings and hide the truth because they will never understand your problem.
Friends and family are willing to help. So, you are not lacking in support groups. But you feel they will not understand what it’s like to live with an alcoholic.
Chronic stress becomes your norm, and your body is always on high alert. You experience:
A family with an alcoholic experiences changes in relationships. For example, instead of the parent taking care of the child, the child takes care of the parent. Behavioral changes typically include:
The hard truth is: Love alone is not enough to treat alcohol addiction. You are often an enabler and at the same time provide healthy support, and accept the limits of your control.
You may cry, try to reason, provide tough love, or full support, but your alcoholic husband will still relapse. Real support sometimes means stepping back and letting consequences happen.
Supporting a family member struggling with alcoholism is one of the most challenging roles you can find yourself in. You want to help. But often, your efforts can feel like they’re either not enough or making things worse.
Here are some dos and don’ts that can make living with an alcoholic partner a bit tolerable:
Be honest with them about how their drinking makes you feel.
Being honest about how their drinking affects you helps build trust and opens the door for meaningful conversation. Use “I” statements, like “I feel scared when you drink heavily,” to express your emotions without an accusing tone.
Encourage them to seek professional help.
Discuss openly, but calmly, the idea of seeking help. Offer to help them find resources or go with them to a meeting. Recovery is more likely when they know they have support without pressure or judgment.
Set clear boundaries of what behavior is acceptable.
Let your loved one know what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. For example, you might say, “I won’t engage in conversations when you’ve been drinking.” Setting boundaries protects you while helping the alcoholic recognize the impact of their behavior.
Take care of your own mental and physical health.
Don’t ignore your own needs. Your health matters. Don’t sacrifice sleep, work, relationships, or your peace of mind trying to help someone who isn’t ready. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.
Learn about alcoholism to understand their struggle.
Understanding the physical, emotional, and psychological aspects of addiction allows you to respond with empathy rather than judgment. The more informed you are, the better you can support your loved one through their recovery journey.
Get support for yourself.
Loving and living with an alcoholic is emotionally draining. Join support groups to learn how to cope with your alcoholic partner. Support groups also help you communicate more effectively and overcome the tendency to blame yourself. You deserve support just as much as they do.
Lie or make excuses for their drinking behavior.
Lying or making excuses for your husband’s drinking shields him from the consequences of his actions. Your action makes it harder for him to recognize the need for change. Instead of helping him deal with alcoholism, you are creating a cycle of denial for both of you.
Blame yourself for their addiction.
Blaming yourself for your husband’s addiction can lead to unnecessary guilt and emotional distress. Addiction is a complex disease. Many factors are beyond your control.
Your husband will not take responsibility for his choices. Thus, it is challenging to set boundaries and focus on your well-being.
Attempt to control or force them to stop drinking.
You can’t force him to stop drinking. You also can’t fix his emotional wounds or make choices for him Attempting to force him to quit drinking will only exhaust you and can further damage your relationship. Recovery must be his decision.
Engage in arguments when they are drunk.
Talking with an intoxicated person is a futile exercise. It can lead to conflict or even danger. Drunk people do not have control of themselves.
An intoxicated person will not understand or remember the conversation. Wait until they are sober to discuss serious issues.
Enable their behavior by giving them money or covering for them
Consenting to what the alcoholic likes does not help him. Instead, it delays his recovery. Giving them money, making excuses, or calling in sick for them does not make them suffer the consequences.
Let them face the results of their actions. Sometimes, consequences are what lead a person to seek help.
Ignore your own emotional needs.
Always keep in mind your emotional needs. Supporting an alcoholic can be a tough job and can cause emotional harm. Always prioritize your well-being. A sound mind and body make you stay strong, set healthy boundaries, and offer more meaningful support.
Helping an alcoholic isn’t about fixing them. Knowing the dos and don’ts can make all the difference between burnout and balanced care for your alcoholic spouse and yourself.
When you are living with an alcoholic, your instinct may be to focus all your energy on your partner. You often forget about yourself. Having a spouse with alcohol addiction takes a serious toll on your mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. That’s why it’s essential to seek help for yourself.
Living with an alcoholic partner is one of the most heartbreaking and complicated experiences a person can endure. You’re not overreacting. You’re not weak. And you are most definitely not alone.
The best way to support a loved one with an alcohol problem is to stay emotionally and mentally strong yourself. You can deeply care for them while also protecting your health.
You can love someone and still protect yourself. You can show compassion without sacrificing your sanity.
You can’t control someone else’s addiction, but you can control how you respond to it. That is where your power and your healing begin. You matter, too.
Understanding the daily reality can be the first step toward making sense of your own experience. With these realizations, you can discover that you’re not alone. Support is possible.
Burnout is a common consequence of helping and caring for an alcoholic husband. Seek support for yourself. A therapist, counselor, or support group can help you regain emotional strength. More importantly, they can help you set boundaries and make clearer decisions without guilt or pressure.
Once you get the help you need for yourself, you can encourage your husband to seek help. Calmly present him with options such as rehab programs, detox centers, or therapy at the Hope House. But remember, his recovery is his responsibility, not yours.
